Sometimes I cry myself to sleep

September 22, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I hope this email finds you in good health. I am 26 years of age, and I have no idea what I want to do career-wise. I attended high school in St Catherine. During my tenure there, I attained six CSEC subjects and six CAPE subjects, units one and two.

After leaving sixth form, I applied to The University of the West Indies and got accepted to four different faculties. I was not accepted to do nursing, but that is what I wanted. I was not accepted for nursing because I did not have mathematics at CSEC level. I decided to take a year off to work, try to save for college, and attend an evening school to do mathematics, then reapply for nursing. I now wish I didn't.

I started working as a security officer at an underaccomplished organisation. Six months later, they were out of business. After applying to multiple organisations without being called for an interview, a family member made a 'link' for me to work in a computer store as a customer service representative. During the interview, the CEO told me that my salary would start at minimum wage and that after three months, he would raise my pay. I agreed. During this time, I started math class twice and stopped because I just wasn't understanding. I was also scared to go and sit the exam and fail.

Two years later, I got pregnant, so I decided not to go back to the computer store after giving birth. The agreement between the CEO and me for higher pay was not met, but that story is for another time. After my baby turned two months old, I started training at a well-known security company. I have been employed there for four years. I recently sat the mathematics in CSEC, and I am awaiting my result. I am confident that I will get a grade one or two.

It is my intention to reapply for college, but I am not sure what I want to do. I am scared of making the wrong choice. I have always wanted to do nursing or psychology/social services, but they don't really pay well in Jamaica. I sat the Jamaica Constabulary Force entrance test twice and failed the mathematics section. I recently applied for the Jamaica Defence Force reserves to try my luck once again.

I know it's going to be very difficult to attend college while taking care of my child, but as the Jamaican proverb says "yuh affi learn fi suck salt thru wooden spoon". My baby father, who is a police officer, and I are not together anymore, but he still does what he can, even though I am led to believe that he doesn't know his priorities.

My father passed away over 10 years ago. I am currently living with my mother and child. My mother takes care of my child, so I pay all the bills in the house. Some fortnights, I only have money to transport me to and from work.

My mother did her best to send me through school and so did some of my siblings and one of my uncles. But since I left sixth form, they said they have problems of their own to take care of. However, I will always be grateful to them.

There is this family friend who is willing to assist me through college. He was involved with one of my relatives when I was a child. He used to assist with my booklists back in the day. Since I have got older, we barely speak. He recently told me that he has taken a liking to me since my body parts are now protruding more, so I took the opportunity to ask him to assist me through college, to which he said he would. But after a lot of thought, I started avoiding him and stopped picking up his calls and replying to his messages because I will not lower my standards to get the assistance I need.

I am also depressed. Often , I feel like a failure. I feel stuck and unaccomplished, especially when I look at my schoolmates' achievements. There were students in my class who did absolutely nothing in school and left school with nothing. They are now in better jobs than I am, and when they see me, they frown upon me and make their remarks. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep but put a bright smile on my face the following morning. The cycle is endless.

I ask for your advice and encouragement and to please remember me in your prayers.

Thanks in advance


Dear Security,

You have failed many times, but you are not down and out, so you should try and try and try again, and you are sure to succeed. The mistakes that you have made are many, but I believe that the older you get, you will learn to settle down and to put the past behind you. I hope that you will get through to do nursing. It is your goal, so bring this matter before the Lord every day, and I assure you of my prayers.

Don't be intimidated by the success of others. Your time will come.


Other Tell Me Pastor Stories