Mom thinks my boyfriend is too black

October 13, 2020

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and I have a boyfriend who is two years older than I am. He took my virginity. It took us six months of friendship before I agreed to have sex with him.

I have very light complexion and he is dark-skinned. When I took him home and introduced him to my parents, my father welcomed him.

But my mother asked me, "Where are you going with that?" I did not say anything, but after my boyfriend left, I asked my father what he thought of him.

My father said if I love him and I believe that he would treat me right and if he is working, that's good enough for him.

I told my father what my mother said and he was very upset. He asked her why she would break my heart by asking me that question.

She said she knew other guys who would love to have me, so she was surprised that I chose this young man.

My father told her that those other guys may not treat me right and said she was very prejudiced. Then he told her that she was a great pretender because he is a black man and she has never raised a skin-colour argument with him. My mother does not talk to me about my boyfriend, but my father asks me about him very often.

He is doing engineering and I have my first degree in education. I have applied to do my master's degree. His parents have accepted me.

I told my father that I would like to live on my own and he asked me if it was privacy that I wanted. I told him no.

He said that I could not fool him because he knew that my boyfriend and I wanted privacy. Whenever he comes to see me, we sit in the living room like two strangers.

It is true, Pastor. The main reason I would like to go on my own is because I know my mother does not like my boyfriend.

My father told me that I am of age, but I should count the cost before I contemplate moving out of a home where I do not pay any bills. When I started working, I offered to give something for the maintenance of the house but my parents did not accept it. I have a car, and my father told me to take the money and pay for the note on my car.

One of these days, I may have to take care of him. Sometimes I buy groceries, but I don't have to do so. What can I do to get my mother to like my boyfriend?

R.D.

Dear R.D.,

It is so unfortunate that your mother's objection to your boyfriend was on the basis of colour.

One would have thought that she would have welcomed him and then inquired about his background. She should have had confidence in you, knowing that your father and her have done their best to give you a good upbringing and to train you and to believe that you would make a good choice in a life partner.

Your father welcomed this young man. I believe that this young man would always remember the warmth of your father. Your mother was cold.

Although he might not have said it to you, he might have felt her cold reaction to him. I like how your father dealt with the situation.

Concerning your desire to leave home. Your father will not like you to leave at your age. You are his daughter, and you staying is not a problem to him at all. Both of you have a good relationship and he talked to you without hiding anything. When he said he felt you needed more privacy, he hit the nail on the head.

You can do very little to get your mother to accept your boyfriend. However, you are in a good situation knowing that your mother would not make such comments again.

You know that your father would stand with you. Please don't be in a hurry to leave home. Whenever your boyfriend is planning to visit you at home, tell your parents.

Indicate to them that you do need time together. Your father would make that possible by giving you space. He is a wise man.

You can also have your boyfriend pick you up and take you home at a reasonable time. But do not be in a hurry to leave home right now.

Pastor

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